Its the first week of August and instead of the usual unrelenting heat, right now we are experiencing a wave of cooler temperatures. It has been very overcast all day today. It seems particularly appropriate right now, in my life anyway.
About two weeks ago, I heard the devastating news that a friend of mine was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I don’t do well with stuff like this so I put that information to the back of my mind and moved forward. My husband was also dealing with a headache that wouldn’t end.
Fast forward 2-3 weeks and this past Saturday my dog woke up in a lot of pain. Everytime we tried to pick him up he would yelp. A trip to the vet let us know that he has a degenerative disc and will likely need back surgery. My husbands headache has still not gone away and he is worn out. I don’t mind doing more than my normal share of household stuff but the kids are in the terrible three’s (worse then the two’s I’m afraid) and just getting thru each day is tremendously exhausting.
Last week I made a trip up north with my brother and mother to scatter my grandmothers ashes. We talked a lot about her and also my grandfather who died almost 20 years ago. I still miss him tremendously.
Today my son put, not one but two raisins up his nose. He screamed as we held him down to get the raisins out. We got one out pretty easily but I still sensed there was another one in there (his voice sounded weird). So my husband had him blow his nose hard several times and sure enough, the other one popped out.
Safe to say my emotions aren’t staying hidden very well anymore. I got in the shower just now and out of the blue just started sobbing. It all seems so crazy, so ridiculous, so unfair. Not to me, I’m doing fine. But to the ones I love.
When I was in high school I lost three very close relatives and our family dog, all in the span of two years. I started pushing people away. I figured if I didn’t have anyone close to me then I couldn’t get my heart smashed into a million pieces anymore. Overtime I got over that and here I am more vulnerable than ever. I have a husband, two gorgeous children and a precious dog that is basically my first baby.
There’s no point to this post really. I just wanted to put the words out into the universe so maybe I can start to heal inside or do whatever is needed. I guess I’m just scared. Really, really scared.